REALLY tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt.  It feels like every damn weekend I convince myself that you aren't  as bad as I know you to be.  That things can be good as long as I have a positive attitude.   But like clockwork you show your true colors and here I am pissed.  I'm not even sure if I'm mad at you anymore or just mad at myself.  When did I become the person who makes excuses for your behavior?  When did I become the type of person who would put up with your bs?

Things I tell myself..

Losing something is never easy.
Just keep reminding yourself it was never yours to begin with.

I used to think we wanted the same thing but then I realized that you need reassurance way more than I do.  So no, I don’t want to sit here and smile, laugh and pretend that I’m okay with being part of your stupid game.  I don’t want to play.    

I needed you today and you weren't there. Silly me.  What was I expecting?

Caught between feeling everything and nothing at the same time.  It's the loneliest place to be.

Goodbye June

"June will break your heart. I can see it already. She'll shatter you into a million pieces."

She did.  And I'm glad its over.

Sending out an SOS

I’m always here to listen.  To build you up.  To talk about you.  To listen to you.  I do it because that’s what friends are for.  But it’s exhausting.  To exert so much energy into any relationship and be left feeling continuously dismissed and invisible. 

Maybe it’s my fault.  Opening up to people does not come easy to me.  I imagine having a conversation with me about how I’m really doing and how I’m really feeling is a lot like pulling teeth.  Uncomfortably slow and painful.  I don’t mean to be so difficult.  I swear.  I just don’t know how to answer those types of questions candidly. “I’m fine” and “I’m okay” spill off my tongue before you even finish asking the question.

So people have a tendency to tell me that I should be more open.  That I shouldn’t be so afraid to share my emotions.  They encourage me to let my guard down.  They tell me that there is honor in vulnerability.  Want to know what else lays within vulnerability?  Loneliness. 

I came across this passage in Luvvie Ajayi's book I'm judging you:  The Do-Better Manual:

“SOS Pal also does not call you to check up on you, and there have been times when they called you in their emergency and you mentioned yours, but they brushed it aside, because ‘this is about my pain.’

Don’t drop your burdens on people without also being willing to drop some blessing on them, too.”

I may not be as articulate with my feelings as you are but it doesn't mean I don't have any.  Moral of the story:  sometimes the people who are always there for you need you to be there for them too.  They just might not now how to let you know.

Constantly struggling between feeling like i've earned this and that I deserve it versus having had it handed to me.

I've learned over time that some people will not love you the way you need them to.  As a result you will learn to love some people from a distance because sometimes that is the only way to love someone without getting hurt.

Sometimes all you can do at this point is cry it out.

Just a beggar tryin' to find some bread

Growing up in a Catholic household my younger years were sometimes spent attending mass on Sunday anxiously waiting for the part where we would go to get lunch or an ice cream after the service.  In 6th grade I spent some reluctant Saturday mornings attending catechism class until my Mom told me that she wasn't going to make me go anymore.  Her reason being that eventually I would be old enough and wise enough to decide for myself what exactly it is that I believed in.  I still thank my Mom so much for allowing me to be my own person and make my own choices.

The thing is I never stopped believing in God or believing that my Grandpa made it up to heaven.  My skepticism has always fallen on the rules, the man made book and the people who don't practice what they preach.  And it has also always been in my nature to move away from things people try to force upon me.  But I have been very lucky to grow up with people who come from all different religious backgrounds.  Some who embody the spirit of love and acceptance and others who embodied everything I hated about religious people.  However, I learned a lot from both.

In the past year and a half I found myself seeking Him more and more.  In different places, in different spaces with different people and through different people.  I believe strongly that there is no right or wrong way or right or wrong religion.  I believe strongly that being a person who lives with intention and who tries to be kind, understanding, tolerant and do the right thing each day is an extension of Him.  This faith (whatever it may be) that I've stumbled upon has gotten me through some pretty emotional and difficult times throughout the last year.  He has had people walk into my life at exactly the right moments and had people walk out when it was time.

All of this comes as a result of events that took place yesterday that deeply affected me.  Here I am a day later reflecting on what was said, who was hurt, how we got to this and the question of where to go from here.  I know I can't change anyone.  I know that.  I can only ever be in control of myself,  my thoughts and actions.  The point in saying all of this is to remind myself more than anyone else that it is during these times when I feel so uncomfortable in the silence with my own thoughts and feelings that I must remember to continue to seek Him (whoever that may be and wherever he may be).  I just want to be at peace. I want to be able to forgive and I want to be able to love those who have hurt me.

So, with that being said....here I am drinking a cup of coffee listening to a podcast that promotes all of those things....but if you have any other suggestions let me know!  I'm just a beggar in this world tryin' to find some bread.

Types of people that piss me off:

1. People (more specifically my "friends") lying to my face. I am nothing but honest and deserve the same courtesy.  At least I think I do.

2.  People who never mean what they say or say what they mean.  Just be honest.

3.  People who complain about people treating them like shit but yet still have them in their lives.

4.  People who are friends with someone when its convenient.  I hate people like that.

5.  People not acting their age.  Grow the fuck up already.  You're too old for this shit.

6.  People thinking I'm dumb and I don't know the truth.  I know everything.  Remember that.

Lately, a lot of stuff has been bothering me.  A lot of stuff had been rubbing me the wrong way.  And even though I'm usually someone who is very blunt about what I'm thinking I haven't been able to say what I'm feeling.  I've been questioning the people around me....a lot.  I'm at a point in my life where I just have no desire to be around shitty people.  And the definition of "shitty people" is subjective.  I am so tired of always being real and feeling like I'm surrounded by fakes.

End rant.

In the midst of all the madnes I have to have to consciously remind myself to be present.

I am   S O   tired of being so inclusive and always feeling excluded.

Looking on the bright side of things

It is no surprise that since school started again for the Spring semester I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed.  I am constantly being bombarded by commitments to my school work, my internship(s), job, family and friends.  So it is no surprise that I am almost always complaining about something.  Complaining about how tired I am, how "over it" I am, how "I don't want to do this anymore", how exhausted, drained, tired, did I mention overwhelmed?  I am!  But yesterday during one of my classes I was reminded how incredibly blessed I am.  Blessed to have so many opportunities in my life.  Opportunities that are allowing me to learn, grow, create, and advance in life.  And to add on to that I find myself busy with things that peek my interest.

So in the midst of all of this hard work I had to remind myself that what i'm working on, what i'm helping create, the things I am a part of are all amazing things.  And when you love and are excited about the things you are doing it starts to feel a lot less like work.

So the next time I catch myself trying to complain about insignificant  things, i'm going to instead be conscious of putting positive energy out into the world instead of negative.

#livinglikeitssummer

She is...

"She’s the places that she has a desire to visit.

She’s the pieces of quotes that are splattered in ink in her favorite books.

She’s the road trips she hopes to go on.

She’s the beautiful characters that mesmerized her in her favorite books.

She’s full of dreams, and I hope one day they come true."

XoSto

Feeling....nostalgic

I'm sitting here on my bedroom floor on a Saturday night going through my keepsake box.  It is filled with birthday cards, handwritten letters, pictures, ticket stubs and holiday cards from people who mean a lot to me or who once meant a lot to me.  As I look at these things I find myself feeling a mixture of emotions.  I feel sad at how some of my [really important] relationships with family members and friends have drastically changed.  I look over the words that say "you mean so much to me" and "I love you" and feel anger because I have to wonder if those words ever held any truth to them.  I find myself feeling disappointed in myself for letting  life consume me and neglecting people that only live a couple states away.   The worst part is the happiness I feel at remembering the times that all of these things represented.  How much love and happiness was in those moments.  This is the hardest thing to feel because life is different now.  I've changed, they've changed, everything has changed and it doesn't matter how much we cherish, miss and love those memories we can never go back.

Looking through all of these things i'm also left wondering if my relationships would be different [maybe still in tact] if I had been a more forgiving person?  If allowing myself to keep getting the short end of the stick was worth me keeping those relationships in my if they made me "happy" ? Was I happy?  Was it fair?  Do I even know what forgiveness really is and who it's for?  I'm not sure that I can adequately answer any of those questions at midnight, sitting on my bedroom floor as i'm feeling super nostalgic.  But I can say this:  I will focus on the relationships I have now.  Make time to tell  e v e r y o n e  how much I love them and how much they mean to me [and mean it].  I can work on being more understanding that not everyone expresses their love the way I do and being okay with that.

So if you read this, just know that whatever our "status" is I look back on our memories and smile and laugh and maybe even cry because of how special they all are to me.  I love you and appreciate you.  Always have and always will ♥

The Stars are Against Me Tonight

"Don't make me sad don't make me cry, sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why."

C U R R E N T  M O O D

Image by:  Dan-Ah Kim

The more I find myself moving in a direction I've worked so hard to find myself in (positive & productive) I also find myself feeling more and more disconnected.  Not just from myself but from those closest to me.  It's something I can't really explain.  There is a lot distrust. And if I can't trust you, I'm asking myself what are we doing here?

It feels like with the new season approaching attitudes and vibes change and maybe the chaos and fun of summer clouded your judgment on what was real and what was fake. 

Things are just off.

#jonvoyage

How do you say goodbye to someone that has single hand-idly been the voice of a generation?  If you called it "fake news" that means you didn't get it.  Because no matter how ridiculous the story or the skit or punch line the reality of the story was there.  The ridiculousness of the horrors that occur all around is undeniable.  I am sad to know that in the midst of all the bullshit that we will be fed over the next year going into the next election we will not have his voice to guide us.  All I can say is if you ever decide to run for office....you've got my vote.  We love you Jon.<3 p="">

#camera3 #dailyshow #jonstewart