Can you repair a bridge you already burned?

Over the past couple of weeks I have realized that I have taken for granted some of the most important and most honest friendships in my life, and that kills me. They say hindsight is 20/20 and believe me now I see my errors in my judgement. I wonder if an "I'm sorry" will be enough to warrant a second chance from these old friends.  Because I can't blame someone for not wanting me in their lives when I so blatantly mistreated them and took them for granted in my life.

I haven't always been the BEST friend and I'm sorry for that.  But if given another chance I would do better. I promise.

Fact: My life has been a little bit of a hot mess as of late.

Not in any ridiculous "I'm out of control" way just in a "what am I doing here?"  "what am I trying to do with my life?" undecided, inconclusive, panicky type of way.  I read somewhere that the hardest part is not deciding what you want to do with your life, it's actually going out and doing it.  Let me tell you that after being in school, leaving school and then being in school again for what feels like a million years I didn't agree with that statement at all...until now.

It has taken me a very long time to figure out exactly what I would like to dedicate my life to doing.  And I've finally figured that part out.  I want to help fix the world, ease peoples problems not make them worse.  I want to be a source of comfort, strength and knowledge for others.  I want to be a shoulder.  I want to help kids realize their potential and let them know that you can always do better and be better.  It might seem a bit ridiculous to want to be this type of person for others when I myself have yet to figure myself (and my life out) completely.  But the truth is will I ever?  I've realized I don't want my life to be an equation of A + B= C, I want my life to be an equation of A + B + C + D + E + F.....etc etc.  I don't want to be a finished product I just want to be a better version of my previous self.  I want to keep learning, keep changing and keep doing.

So in the moments when I acknowledge that I am not satisfied with myself (professionally, educationally etc) I choose to change, grow and learn.  My dislike for change has always been a product of my FEAR of change.  My fear for things that have not even happened yet.  I have stood in my own way too many times due to my fear of change.  That needs to stop.  I know that now.  I acknowledge that now.  I admit that now.

So here I am.  On a Friday afternoon taking a leap of faith....changing.  And I'm okay with that.

Today anyways.

Reminder

When you have one of those days where you just feel like you can't do it, liike you aren't good enough and whatever it is you want will never happen, it is important to look back.  Look back at all the things you have accomplished that you didn't think were possible.  It is important to remind yourself that you CAN do anything you want, it just means that you need to PUT IN WORK.  You have to remember that not everything will come easily and it is important to always work hard, do your very best, show dedication and even make some sacrifices in order to get where you want to be in life.  What's the famous saying?  "No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it"  YEAH, THAT.

Believe in yourself girly!  You can do this.  You've done it before!

Do you boo

A little bit of good advice to myself (and to others) on this Monday morning.

Midnight confessions

There are some absolutes in this world.  For example, things will not always go the way you planned them, life will always come up, and people, no matter how much you love and support them will always inevitably let you down.  The problem with the last item on that list is that I feel there is a difference between loving someone unconditionally and accepting all of their faults and imperfections versus knowing your own worth and not tolerating someone who takes advantage and mistreats your loyalty, love and generosity.

The past couple of days have been filled with a mixture of various emotions.  My best friend got married this weekend and that had me reflecting on how long we have known each other and all the things we've been through and just what and how much she means to me in my life.  As a result I've also started to analyze other relationships (friendships) in my life.  Some in particular that I have come to realize are not as honest and genuine as I believed them to be. To know me is to know that above all I value honesty more than anything else.  They say the truth hurts, and although that may be true, I believe that lies (no matter how big or small) hurt more.

So what's a girl to do?  Accept them for exactly who they are or decide whether or not that version of them fits into the life and environment you want for yourself.

You used to make me feel special.


And I miss that

Just call me 2 AM..