Things that make Monday's successful:

Passing your finals.  Putting in work.  Getting together with four amazing girls and having some bomb ass shrimp burritos.  Laughing....a lot.  Taking new friends to experience the magic that is North Park Poetry Slam.  Rudy Francisco.  People's words.  Realizing that the fall semester is over and that you're free for the next couple of weeks!

I wish this didn't bother me.
But it does.
I hate that it does.
So i'll pretend it doesn't.

So what are you, what are you, what are you so afraid of?

&& on a Saturday night I decided to pull myself together and get back on track.


girl.you.got.it.

At night it's the worst.always.

Who changed?

Maybe I got this whole thing wrong. 
This whole time here I was thinking that you've changed.  That you are no longer the person I used to know and care for.  That you had somehow become this person I just can't stand.  But what had never crossed my mind was that maybe you've always been this way.  Maybe the person who changed wasn't you....it was me.  And for the first time I am seeing you for who you truly are because I am no longer blinded by the person I used to be.  And I'm coming to realize that I really, really don't like you.

It's okay to be sad sometimes.  We all have those days.  But just remember that you won't always feel like that.  Tomorrow always bring promise of a better day.  Always

Cold doesn't feel cold unless you're alone.



#true

"Say what you mean"

No.

Sometimes-lie-almost all the time-i say the exact opposite of how I really feel or of what I really want.

Why?

Because it's easier that way.

And it's killing me.

How do you start over without pushing everyone away?

There's a hole in my sidewalk

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Trying to convince my shadow that i'm someone worth following...

I just need you to come sit next to me. At one in the morning. When I decide to go to my safe haven to think and watch the world go by. I just want you to be there next to me. You don't have to say a word. Your presence will speak volumes.  It will tell me that you still think about me sometimes. And that you care about the sad parts too.

For a dreamer, nights the only time of day.

It's the simple things...

Like sitting on the front porch taking in my surroundings.  The heat, the wind, the lightening and thunder, and the neighbors conversations....

...about the bitches and hoes, being on the twerk team, and who so and so is fucking with now.

But the point is the sun finally went down at 10 p.m. and at almost midnight the storm finally rolled in.  If you know me, you know how much I love the rain.  But to sit, wait and witness the build up for this down pour was different.  It was therapeutic on another level.  It's the best thing I've done in months.  Even as I sit and write this the thunder is exploding in the background while the bolts of lightening are lighting up the whole damn sky.

xoxo,
porch night confessions.

Fact:  YOU CAN NEVER RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS

(well not really anyway)

it doesn't matter how hard you try.

Here I am, 2,229 miles from home and the very things I was trying to get away from (at least for a week) are calling me on my phone and permanently taking a seat in the back of my mind.  Making sure that throughout my 7 day stay in the Midwest, I don't forget about my troubles.  Making sure that my stomach will be in knots periodically throughout the day and that on Sunday I will go to Church and pray.  Because at this point I really don't know what else to do.

Not caring is always easier. Always.  And today I decide to not care about you anymore.


Stupid girl.

It's Monday morning and i'm sitting at this stupid desk but you know what?  I'm okay with that.  Because as soon as 3:30 hits I am L.A. BOUND!!!!!  My little munchkins landed down in Cali and I can't wait to see them!!!! I am literally about to burst with excitement. So I pray that today goes by fast and that 3:30 hurries up!!!

 

 

ahhhh can't wait to see themmmmm!!!!!

I almost did it...

I typed up my letter of resignation.  I even printed it.  Had it sitting here on my desk while I worked all morning and afternoon.  And here I am 20 minutes before I go home, having just gotten out of a 15 minute meeting about my "future" with the company and somehow the letter is still sitting on my desk.  I couldn't do it.  I didn't do it.  What am I so afraid of?

Raise my hands paint my spirit gold

Wishing more than anything that I was seeing them tonight! But I guess putting both albums on repeat will just have to do!

Summer thangssss

 

Cedar Creek-"Devil's Punchbowl"

 

Happy Memorial Day

 

The Boiling Crab

 

Drankssssss

 

Aquatica Preview Day

 

Animal Cracker Ice Cream #SummerBucketList

 

21st Birthday!

 

Ocean Beach Pier

 

 

 

Built a sand caslte #SummerBucketList

And finally....a sense of direction

My appointment was at 8 am and and I was SO nervous.  I couldnt' even eat breakfast because I was on the verge of throwing up because of how anxious/nervous I was.  But why?  It's not like she was going to tell me something I didn't ALREADY know.  I guess the fact that for the first time in a LONG time I was going to have to address one of my biggest fears/disappointments head on instead of running away from it or sweeping it under the rug (which is what I've been doing for the past 4+ years).  Almost 2 hours later I felt a sense of relief and left that office with a new found determination and excitement.  My time line gives me a year until I can transfer.  It won't be easy (I know that) but for the first time in a reallllly long time I know that I won't fail.  This next year doesn't just bring challenges, it brings new possibilities.  Come on girly, it's time to get your shit together!  There wiill be no more sabotaging myself. Although I should have had this meeting a LONG time ago I can't beat myself over it now.  It is what it is. I need to "accept the things I cannot change" and move forward with my life, for myself.


Now...what about my work life?  Work is just a MESS.  I have literally no idea what to do.  I'm at a job I hate, about to quit when I get offered a different (better) position.  And although they are willing to work with me and my schedule I can't seem to jump at the opportunity.  I am not willing to once again put my schooling on the back burner and i'm also not sure if i'm willing to put my happiness on the back burner either.  Am I willing to struggle with bills etc. just so I wont wake up hating life everytime I have to go to work?  Gaaaaahdddd what do I do?

I didn't write this

"Got me up all night, all I'm singing is love songs..." Why won't this stupid song stop playing?!?!?!  Okay, let me be honest for a second....it's not the song I find stupid, it's the fact that every time that damn song plays the first person -THE ONLY PERSON- I think about is you.  The fact that when Miguel says, "I want you, to want me" I'm pretty sure he stole that line straight from my heart.

But I'm not quite sure if I want you to want me just yet.  At this point I'm just asking  you to notice me.  Notice how I go out of my way just to say 'Hi'.  How a couple "Hey how's it goin's?"  can carry  me through the whole week.  Because all we have are weekends.  Notice how much I hate my phone because ever time it dings I'm praying to god it's you.  And then it's not.  And I'm just left here saying..."s[he] got me up all night, constant drinking and love songs.  S[he] got me up all night, down and out with these love songs."

Hello Summer!

This past week has consisted of nothing but beach, sun, graduation parties and padres games!  It is official....Summertime is here!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BRUUUUUUUCE!!!!!

I saw this today and it just made me laugh.  Matilda is by far one of my favorite movies!

I L O V E S U M M E R!

It's about that time...

to go back to doing the things I LOVE.  My 35mm has been sitting on my desk gathering dust along with everything else.  It's time to get it up and running and take it out on the town to capture a different point of view.

I wonder if I missed my chance.  I wonder if that night 3 some odd weeks ago that was my opportunity.  I was faced with "Should I stay or should I go?" and like a scared little girl I walked away.  Would things have been different if I had stayed?  WHO KNOWS.  And the thing is, that I have to stop beating myself up over it.  Keep it moving, Sto.  Just keep moving.

A watched pot never boils.  And a phone doesn't ring when you keep checking it. 

#lifelessons

This made me laugh SO hard

New Day

and today I think i'll be okay.  It will be easier than yesterday.  It has to get easier, right?

And I want to hate you so much because it's easier than the alternative.  I want to find all of your flaws and focus on that (the bad not the good).  I just don't want to think about you at all. ever. again.

&& today I took my first step towards a brighter future for myself.  It was a small step but you know that saying "slow & steady wins the race"

I'm moving forward.  No more looking back.

Note to self:

Hey you!  Stop that caring! Stop it right now! 

and then the rain showed up and I seemed to be okay for a little while.

Would you believe me if I said I'm in love? Baby, I want you to want me...

Well this has gotta be the longest crush ever
If I ever get to fuck it'd be the longest bust ever
Love is a drug, like the strongest stuff ever
And, fuck it I'm on one, you feel me?
For pete's sake, homie pull it together
Just fuck her him one time and be through it forever

 

 

MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY.

It is completely and utterly frustrating when someone consumes all of your thoughts. All damn day. For the past too many days that you've now lost count. And it sneaks up on you. It catches you in the quietest of moments and it leaves you wanting chaos to surround you just so you will have absolutely no chance to be left alone with your thoughts. Because my thoughts are all about you. And I hate it.

INTO THE WILD

"Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may have previously never have thought of doing or been hesitant to atteMpt.  So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are not conditioned to a life of security, conformity and conservation.  All of which may appear to give one peace of mind but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.  The very basic core of a mans living spirit is his passion for adventure.  The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon for each day to have a new and different sun.  If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy.  But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty."

"No, I am not ok.  I am exhausted.

Life is exhausting.  Loving people is exhausting.

and thinking you've lost someone you love?

Well, that's the most exhausting thing of all."

"The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you hanging, and you have to act like you don't care at all."

I need to get out of my head.  I need to stop thinking.  I need a distraction.

Tuesday love

I love Tuesday's.  And Tacos.  And margaritas.  And the fact that it feels like Summer already.  I love laughing so hard you're pretty sure you might die from lack of oxygen.  I love being around my friends and enjoying life and the simple things it has to offer.  And I especially love that awkward moment when your friend thinks that MAC MILLER and MACKLEMORE are the same person
 -____-

 

 

 

 

 

I hate tears.  Espcially when they are out of frustration and anger.  I am so glad that today is over.  It has been such a rollercoaster!

Note to self:  There's no crying at the office.

Cheer up girly...things have to get better.

And the truth is...

I live my life in two seasons: Summer and Christmas (yep, that's a season for me).  September-January I have nothing but Christmas on the brain.  February-August i'm itching for nothing but sun, sand and sea.  I think it's a good way to live.

It's been two weeks since the last time you said anything.  The only thing I can trust that comes out of your mouth is the silence...and it speaks volumes.  It tells me exactly what kind of person you are.

I hate when boys act like they're too cool for school.  NEWS FLASH:  You're not.

I am soooooooo tired of being #2.

Sometimes I feel like I can do this.  Like I can handle it all with a smile on my face if only I tired a little  harder.  And then there are moments when that all changes and I just want to give up.  Because I start to compulsively repeat "I can't do this, I can't do this" to myself over and over again.  It's an inner struggle I'm dealing with on a daily basis.  I'm just not sure which one of me is going to win.

Words stuck in my head, that I didn't say

So forget bliss, innocent people are dying.

Our world is sick, you know that right?

I let you be yourself while I prosecute you in the same damn day

Do you recall more hood than heritage?

Real talk offends the fake.

Always believe in creative decisions.

When is it a good time to grow up?

Baby boy, life is so much better then $700 a week

We're so disconnected with each other

Try not to let pain put a time bomb in your heart it will tear you apart

AND I KNOW THAT YOU'RE FAITHLESS

Martin Luther King walked so Barack Obama could run

 

"If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward" - Martin Luther King Jr

 

And on this day where we not only remember but honor Martin Luther King for what he stood for but what he accomplished in his lifetime we also formally accepted Barack Obama as our president for one more term :)  I hope that this marks the beginning of a better 4 years ahead.

 

My favorite part of the inauguration was the poem that Richard Blanco recited. It was truly amazing, honest and perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(all photos courtesy of: Chicago Tribune)

 

 

 

 

merp.

My first ever poetry slam. I had the time of my life.


We got to sit next to the DJ who was amazing



Me & my meatball always doing something new together :)


The sky in southern california ALWAYS looks amazing



Sprinkles....the only thing i love



I'm already ready for the fourth of July!



New flats



I swear it looks like heaven out here.



Birthday shout out to the worst thing that ever happend to me...my sister ;) I can't believe you're 18!

The truth is

I want a love that's side by side.

For a dreamer, nights the only time of day.

2013 is the year of what?

It's only January 8th but i've heard so many people call 2013 the year of :
New beginnings
Great things ahead
L O V E
Adventures
etc.

But you know what I think 2013 is all about?  Family.  Yep, that's right.  2013 is the year of family.  The family you were born with or the family you have picked and created for yourself (your best friends).  These people make up the most important pieces of you and your life.  Family no matter how crazy & disfunctional are the most important thing in the world.  So this year I vow to dedicate as much time as I possibly can to them (and my dog).  It's gonna be a great year.

♥

When Joey Bada$$ quotes your favorite Dom Kennedy song >>>>>>>>>>

Seriously, there is a Honey Boo Boo marathon on today and I CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT!!!!  Something is seriously wrong with me.