I've learned over time that some people will not love you the way you need them to.  As a result you will learn to love some people from a distance because sometimes that is the only way to love someone without getting hurt.

Sometimes all you can do at this point is cry it out.

Just a beggar tryin' to find some bread

Growing up in a Catholic household my younger years were sometimes spent attending mass on Sunday anxiously waiting for the part where we would go to get lunch or an ice cream after the service.  In 6th grade I spent some reluctant Saturday mornings attending catechism class until my Mom told me that she wasn't going to make me go anymore.  Her reason being that eventually I would be old enough and wise enough to decide for myself what exactly it is that I believed in.  I still thank my Mom so much for allowing me to be my own person and make my own choices.

The thing is I never stopped believing in God or believing that my Grandpa made it up to heaven.  My skepticism has always fallen on the rules, the man made book and the people who don't practice what they preach.  And it has also always been in my nature to move away from things people try to force upon me.  But I have been very lucky to grow up with people who come from all different religious backgrounds.  Some who embody the spirit of love and acceptance and others who embodied everything I hated about religious people.  However, I learned a lot from both.

In the past year and a half I found myself seeking Him more and more.  In different places, in different spaces with different people and through different people.  I believe strongly that there is no right or wrong way or right or wrong religion.  I believe strongly that being a person who lives with intention and who tries to be kind, understanding, tolerant and do the right thing each day is an extension of Him.  This faith (whatever it may be) that I've stumbled upon has gotten me through some pretty emotional and difficult times throughout the last year.  He has had people walk into my life at exactly the right moments and had people walk out when it was time.

All of this comes as a result of events that took place yesterday that deeply affected me.  Here I am a day later reflecting on what was said, who was hurt, how we got to this and the question of where to go from here.  I know I can't change anyone.  I know that.  I can only ever be in control of myself,  my thoughts and actions.  The point in saying all of this is to remind myself more than anyone else that it is during these times when I feel so uncomfortable in the silence with my own thoughts and feelings that I must remember to continue to seek Him (whoever that may be and wherever he may be).  I just want to be at peace. I want to be able to forgive and I want to be able to love those who have hurt me.

So, with that being said....here I am drinking a cup of coffee listening to a podcast that promotes all of those things....but if you have any other suggestions let me know!  I'm just a beggar in this world tryin' to find some bread.

Types of people that piss me off:

1. People (more specifically my "friends") lying to my face. I am nothing but honest and deserve the same courtesy.  At least I think I do.

2.  People who never mean what they say or say what they mean.  Just be honest.

3.  People who complain about people treating them like shit but yet still have them in their lives.

4.  People who are friends with someone when its convenient.  I hate people like that.

5.  People not acting their age.  Grow the fuck up already.  You're too old for this shit.

6.  People thinking I'm dumb and I don't know the truth.  I know everything.  Remember that.

Lately, a lot of stuff has been bothering me.  A lot of stuff had been rubbing me the wrong way.  And even though I'm usually someone who is very blunt about what I'm thinking I haven't been able to say what I'm feeling.  I've been questioning the people around me....a lot.  I'm at a point in my life where I just have no desire to be around shitty people.  And the definition of "shitty people" is subjective.  I am so tired of always being real and feeling like I'm surrounded by fakes.

End rant.

In the midst of all the madnes I have to have to consciously remind myself to be present.

I am   S O   tired of being so inclusive and always feeling excluded.

Looking on the bright side of things

It is no surprise that since school started again for the Spring semester I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed.  I am constantly being bombarded by commitments to my school work, my internship(s), job, family and friends.  So it is no surprise that I am almost always complaining about something.  Complaining about how tired I am, how "over it" I am, how "I don't want to do this anymore", how exhausted, drained, tired, did I mention overwhelmed?  I am!  But yesterday during one of my classes I was reminded how incredibly blessed I am.  Blessed to have so many opportunities in my life.  Opportunities that are allowing me to learn, grow, create, and advance in life.  And to add on to that I find myself busy with things that peek my interest.

So in the midst of all of this hard work I had to remind myself that what i'm working on, what i'm helping create, the things I am a part of are all amazing things.  And when you love and are excited about the things you are doing it starts to feel a lot less like work.

So the next time I catch myself trying to complain about insignificant  things, i'm going to instead be conscious of putting positive energy out into the world instead of negative.

#livinglikeitssummer

She is...

"She’s the places that she has a desire to visit.

She’s the pieces of quotes that are splattered in ink in her favorite books.

She’s the road trips she hopes to go on.

She’s the beautiful characters that mesmerized her in her favorite books.

She’s full of dreams, and I hope one day they come true."

XoSto