I'm sitting here on my bedroom floor on a Saturday night going through my keepsake box. It is filled with birthday cards, handwritten letters, pictures, ticket stubs and holiday cards from people who mean a lot to me or who once meant a lot to me. As I look at these things I find myself feeling a mixture of emotions. I feel sad at how some of my [really important] relationships with family members and friends have drastically changed. I look over the words that say "you mean so much to me" and "I love you" and feel anger because I have to wonder if those words ever held any truth to them. I find myself feeling disappointed in myself for letting life consume me and neglecting people that only live a couple states away. The worst part is the happiness I feel at remembering the times that all of these things represented. How much love and happiness was in those moments. This is the hardest thing to feel because life is different now. I've changed, they've changed, everything has changed and it doesn't matter how much we cherish, miss and love those memories we can never go back.
Looking through all of these things i'm also left wondering if my relationships would be different [maybe still in tact] if I had been a more forgiving person? If allowing myself to keep getting the short end of the stick was worth me keeping those relationships in my if they made me "happy" ? Was I happy? Was it fair? Do I even know what forgiveness really is and who it's for? I'm not sure that I can adequately answer any of those questions at midnight, sitting on my bedroom floor as i'm feeling super nostalgic. But I can say this: I will focus on the relationships I have now. Make time to tell e v e r y o n e how much I love them and how much they mean to me [and mean it]. I can work on being more understanding that not everyone expresses their love the way I do and being okay with that.
So if you read this, just know that whatever our "status" is I look back on our memories and smile and laugh and maybe even cry because of how special they all are to me. I love you and appreciate you. Always have and always will ♥
