Feeling....nostalgic

I'm sitting here on my bedroom floor on a Saturday night going through my keepsake box.  It is filled with birthday cards, handwritten letters, pictures, ticket stubs and holiday cards from people who mean a lot to me or who once meant a lot to me.  As I look at these things I find myself feeling a mixture of emotions.  I feel sad at how some of my [really important] relationships with family members and friends have drastically changed.  I look over the words that say "you mean so much to me" and "I love you" and feel anger because I have to wonder if those words ever held any truth to them.  I find myself feeling disappointed in myself for letting  life consume me and neglecting people that only live a couple states away.   The worst part is the happiness I feel at remembering the times that all of these things represented.  How much love and happiness was in those moments.  This is the hardest thing to feel because life is different now.  I've changed, they've changed, everything has changed and it doesn't matter how much we cherish, miss and love those memories we can never go back.

Looking through all of these things i'm also left wondering if my relationships would be different [maybe still in tact] if I had been a more forgiving person?  If allowing myself to keep getting the short end of the stick was worth me keeping those relationships in my if they made me "happy" ? Was I happy?  Was it fair?  Do I even know what forgiveness really is and who it's for?  I'm not sure that I can adequately answer any of those questions at midnight, sitting on my bedroom floor as i'm feeling super nostalgic.  But I can say this:  I will focus on the relationships I have now.  Make time to tell  e v e r y o n e  how much I love them and how much they mean to me [and mean it].  I can work on being more understanding that not everyone expresses their love the way I do and being okay with that.

So if you read this, just know that whatever our "status" is I look back on our memories and smile and laugh and maybe even cry because of how special they all are to me.  I love you and appreciate you.  Always have and always will ♥

The Stars are Against Me Tonight

"Don't make me sad don't make me cry, sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why."

C U R R E N T  M O O D

Image by:  Dan-Ah Kim

The more I find myself moving in a direction I've worked so hard to find myself in (positive & productive) I also find myself feeling more and more disconnected.  Not just from myself but from those closest to me.  It's something I can't really explain.  There is a lot distrust. And if I can't trust you, I'm asking myself what are we doing here?

It feels like with the new season approaching attitudes and vibes change and maybe the chaos and fun of summer clouded your judgment on what was real and what was fake. 

Things are just off.

#jonvoyage

How do you say goodbye to someone that has single hand-idly been the voice of a generation?  If you called it "fake news" that means you didn't get it.  Because no matter how ridiculous the story or the skit or punch line the reality of the story was there.  The ridiculousness of the horrors that occur all around is undeniable.  I am sad to know that in the midst of all the bullshit that we will be fed over the next year going into the next election we will not have his voice to guide us.  All I can say is if you ever decide to run for office....you've got my vote.  We love you Jon.<3 p="">

#camera3 #dailyshow #jonstewart

Choose wisely

Love yourself

I constantly struggle between holding on and letting go.  Although this is true about many parts of my life this is especially true when it comes to the people in my life.  I always feel like I owe someone something and because of that I stick around longer than I should or let them affect me for longer than they should.  But the truth is that the only person I owe something to is myself.  I owe myself the best quality of life.  And that means that I owe it to myself to surround myself with honest, authentic, caring and trustworthy people.  The type of people who will help me grow and be better.  The type of people who will be there through the good and the bad not just when it is convenient.  I owe it to myself to no longer allow myself to be in situations (school, job, routine) just because it is easy and comfortable.  During service the pastor said "It's easy to look good when life is easy"  and my Momma didn't raise no easy girl! XO

blurbs

Sometimes, I really miss some people who used to be a huge part of my life.  And I often wonder if it is my pride that keeps us apart.  But then I remember that it is your inability to care or try as much as I did.  I remind myself that it is imperative to know what your time is worth.  And that not everyone deserves a second chance.  Or in this case a 10th, 20th, or 30th chance.

Remember that all relationships and friendships take work.  But that work should be coming from both sides, not just one.

I have to take a minute to reflect on the last couple of weeks.  My new job has had me feeling all types of ways.  I have been feeling anxious, nervous,  ill-prepared, frustrated, annoyed and probably at least a dozen other types of emotions all in the span of about three weeks.  However, yesterday I was reminded that in the face of all these other (sometimes not so great) emotions I have a constant feeling of satisfaction.  Satisfaction that i'm doing my best every time I go to work and every time I interact with the kids.  It literally makes everything worth it when you get to make them laugh, or teach them something as small as a new word, or just to see them comfortable in the moment.  My life has seriously been a frenzy of tests, papers, work, SDSU exams and transcripts, NO sleep but I can't forget to be so incredibly  grateful to Him for giving me an opportunity to move forward and to grow.  I cannot thank my family enough for being so supportive and not taking it personal when i'm in a bad mood because i'm tired.  And I am so lucky to have an amazing group of friends that are happy for my new journey and are understanding in the reasons why I can't see them right now as much as I want to.  All of these people make this transition easier.  All of their support means the world to me.  And I have to constantly remind myself that it is when I am most uncomfortable and out of my element that I will grow.  Thank you ♥

You can't start getting lazy when you have the finish line within sight. Gotta stay motivated, dedicated and focused.

#5moreweeks

What is Spring Break?

When it hits you that this week you will be working 4 double shifts and 1 triple shift -__-

I have to be thankful for the Tuesday beach day I got to enjoy yesterday and I have to be grateful for the new opportunities I am being given and this new journey I am about to begin.

I just hope that somewhere in there I get to find some time to sleep!

I am taking the time to enjoy these small victories instead of letting the unknown overwhelm me and take away these great moments.  I opt to focus on the love, blessings and support that I have in my life. Life is changing and that scares me.  But the best part is that it also excites me.

#alwaysthankful

Sometimes teachers know what they're talking about...

The second day of class my sociology professor made a reference about living life like a dog instead of a cat.  And his reasoning behind it makes absolute sense.... :)

"Don't live life like a cat, live it like a dog because the way dogs live teaches us the following:

1. Enjoy daily activities.  Make sure you are doing things that bring you happiness on a daily basis.  Find joy in the routine that you will inevitably incorporate in some way or another into your life.

2.Live in the moment.  It's good to have plans for yourself but it is also good to be present in everything you are doing.  Like eating, or running or jumping around.

3.  Surround yourself with people you love.  Make sure you have people in your life that make you want to jump up and lick their face, not leave the room and stay at arms length (those damn cats!)

4. And remember that if you ever need something in life....just bark."

When someone puts into words exactly what you've been feeling and what you've been going through.....it reminds you that your feelings are valid and that you are not alone.

#thankyougod

Give me a break

Just when I feel like i'm treading on water I get sucked back under.  I'm trying not to let these bad moments consume me but today, they did.  I don't know how to not worry.  I don't understand why things like this keep happening to me (yes, I am definitely having a pity party today) but they are.  And I don't know how to accept them and move on.  I literally make myself sick over things that I cannot change.  I become immobile. I need to pray more, I need to mediate more, I need to find something else to do in order to be able to let these negative things go.




#help

I want to say thank you.  Thank you to the people who have let me vent, breakdown, mope around etc. the last 3 weeks.  Thank you to the people who have given me advice, words of encouragement and a reminder that things would work out.  I want to thank god, the universe or whatever it is that makes this world and life of ours keep going.  My faith in something bigger than me, my faith in myself and my own abilities have helped me out lately.  Thank you all.

A L W A Y S  bet on yourself.

Go ahead, cry if you want to

For as long as I can remember I have always hated crying.  Mostly because I always cry for the wrong reasons.  I cry when I laugh uncontrollably (usually at something that isn't really funny to begin with but my sense of humor is off so, whatever) or I cry when I'm really upset and angry (not sad) which is a super annoying thing to do in the middle of an argument with someone.  I have always hated crying because I see it as a sign of weakness and being vulnerable (within myself). And as a result when it comes to the hard moments in life like the death of a loved one, the betrayal of a friend, loss of love and disappointments I have always tried my best NOT to cry.  I have always turned to laughter (even if it wasn't genuine) over tears.

Over the past year I have realized that things (emotions) affect me more than the normal person but I never let myself feel it completely.  I am never able to fully enjoy a moment of happiness because I am already anticipating the moment in which I will no longer be happy.  I never fully let myself be sad about something because I am already trying to be strong etc.  But  I have come to realize that there is no shame in crying during acceptance speeches, or telling someone you love them just because you do or laughing uncontrollably at a stupid joke just because it tickled your fancy.  I have spent most of my life trying to be such a strong person.  But what good is a strong person if they can't be soft sometimes too? Or funny or calm or crazy and wild or happy and sad and sometimes weak? I am all of those things, and i'm not afraid to show it anymore.

Wanting something (or someone) only because you can't have them now is NOT a good way to want things.