Some people say it is crazy to put all your eggs in one basket so to speak. But I have come to realize that it's even crazier NOT to.  I feel that sometimes by not doing so there is self doubt.  Doubt in your ability to get it right the first time.  Doubt that God will not be able to do what is best for you at its right time. We are so consumed with falling back to something else that we don't really want out of fear of not getting what we actually want and I think that's the craziest part of it all.

But here I am, the girl who is the most scared of all putting all my eggs in one basket.  Because today I believe in myself.

Can you repair a bridge you already burned?

Over the past couple of weeks I have realized that I have taken for granted some of the most important and most honest friendships in my life, and that kills me. They say hindsight is 20/20 and believe me now I see my errors in my judgement. I wonder if an "I'm sorry" will be enough to warrant a second chance from these old friends.  Because I can't blame someone for not wanting me in their lives when I so blatantly mistreated them and took them for granted in my life.

I haven't always been the BEST friend and I'm sorry for that.  But if given another chance I would do better. I promise.

Fact: My life has been a little bit of a hot mess as of late.

Not in any ridiculous "I'm out of control" way just in a "what am I doing here?"  "what am I trying to do with my life?" undecided, inconclusive, panicky type of way.  I read somewhere that the hardest part is not deciding what you want to do with your life, it's actually going out and doing it.  Let me tell you that after being in school, leaving school and then being in school again for what feels like a million years I didn't agree with that statement at all...until now.

It has taken me a very long time to figure out exactly what I would like to dedicate my life to doing.  And I've finally figured that part out.  I want to help fix the world, ease peoples problems not make them worse.  I want to be a source of comfort, strength and knowledge for others.  I want to be a shoulder.  I want to help kids realize their potential and let them know that you can always do better and be better.  It might seem a bit ridiculous to want to be this type of person for others when I myself have yet to figure myself (and my life out) completely.  But the truth is will I ever?  I've realized I don't want my life to be an equation of A + B= C, I want my life to be an equation of A + B + C + D + E + F.....etc etc.  I don't want to be a finished product I just want to be a better version of my previous self.  I want to keep learning, keep changing and keep doing.

So in the moments when I acknowledge that I am not satisfied with myself (professionally, educationally etc) I choose to change, grow and learn.  My dislike for change has always been a product of my FEAR of change.  My fear for things that have not even happened yet.  I have stood in my own way too many times due to my fear of change.  That needs to stop.  I know that now.  I acknowledge that now.  I admit that now.

So here I am.  On a Friday afternoon taking a leap of faith....changing.  And I'm okay with that.

Today anyways.

Reminder

When you have one of those days where you just feel like you can't do it, liike you aren't good enough and whatever it is you want will never happen, it is important to look back.  Look back at all the things you have accomplished that you didn't think were possible.  It is important to remind yourself that you CAN do anything you want, it just means that you need to PUT IN WORK.  You have to remember that not everything will come easily and it is important to always work hard, do your very best, show dedication and even make some sacrifices in order to get where you want to be in life.  What's the famous saying?  "No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it"  YEAH, THAT.

Believe in yourself girly!  You can do this.  You've done it before!

Do you boo

A little bit of good advice to myself (and to others) on this Monday morning.

Midnight confessions

There are some absolutes in this world.  For example, things will not always go the way you planned them, life will always come up, and people, no matter how much you love and support them will always inevitably let you down.  The problem with the last item on that list is that I feel there is a difference between loving someone unconditionally and accepting all of their faults and imperfections versus knowing your own worth and not tolerating someone who takes advantage and mistreats your loyalty, love and generosity.

The past couple of days have been filled with a mixture of various emotions.  My best friend got married this weekend and that had me reflecting on how long we have known each other and all the things we've been through and just what and how much she means to me in my life.  As a result I've also started to analyze other relationships (friendships) in my life.  Some in particular that I have come to realize are not as honest and genuine as I believed them to be. To know me is to know that above all I value honesty more than anything else.  They say the truth hurts, and although that may be true, I believe that lies (no matter how big or small) hurt more.

So what's a girl to do?  Accept them for exactly who they are or decide whether or not that version of them fits into the life and environment you want for yourself.

You used to make me feel special.


And I miss that

Just call me 2 AM..

Looking back on last year the realization of how much had changed made me feel uneasy.  I somehow felt that my relationships, choices, actions, experiences should have been the same this summer as they were last.  Boy was I wrong.  Being in a different place means change and growth.  I'm not the same person I was a year ago and although sometimes I miss that person, I know that I couldn't have possibly accomplished any of the things i've accomplished over the past year being that girl.  Keep growing.

Taking Chances

Here is the thing I've learned over the past 8 months about taking chances...Mind you it's nothing revolutionary that hasn't been talked about before or realized by someone else before but it is a simple thought process that I needed to realize and come to on my own.  And it is this:

The success of "taking a chance" on something or someone is not dependent on if you win, get the job, get the guy, make more money etc.  You win by simply taking a chance.  The fact that despite all your fear, uncertainty, hesitation, self doubt you still took a chance on something or someone that has you feeling a certain kind of way about life!   To be honest by simply taking a chance your life has already changed.  You've already done better than yesterday and you are different than you were this morning.  At least I am.  So cheers to taking chances no matter what happens!  Cheers to taking control of your life, to committing to growing, changing and improving always!!!  And to taking chances, always.

When my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

Voltaire

"Lord, protect me from my friends; I can take care of my enemies."

I push and push and push just to see who is willing to push back.

It’s not the lie that bothers me, It’s the insult to my intelligence that I find offensive.

Things.

I love chai tea and cute mugs.  Sunny days & rainy nights.  Taking naps in the sunlight.  Staying up late and waking up early.  Laughing.  Sitting around doing absolutely nothing.  Trying to do everything.  Clothing in bright colors but wearing black because it's slimming.  Writing down all my due dates but never remembering any of them.  Setting out to do something free but always spending money.  Trying to explain myself even though I don't really know myself.

Excuse me while I disappear for a couple of days.

Ohyeahthatsrightimdoingme.

Sometimes you stay up all night just trying to hear yourself think.

I deleted all those words from 5 months ago.  All that nonsense.  Because I no longer had a place for them.  That's the beauty of word (docs)...you can erase them from memory, create a blank page and start all over.  When you're ready.

And i'm ready.

Dear Spring Break,
I want to thank you for being good to me this time around.  If there is anything I regret about you,  its not getting more sleep while you were here.  It seems these days I can never get enough sleep.  But now it's time to get back to the daily grind and push even harder before.  This is the home stretch now.  I can do this.  I will do this.

I'm just exhausted.

Starting over

"For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen:  A gaseous nebula must collapse.

So collapse.
Crumble.
This is not your destruction.
This is your birth."

Things i've realized:

1. Fuck being polite to people who don't care about you.
2. Know the difference between giving up and letting go.
3. Do what you want but don't be reckless when other people are involved.
4. There IS a difference between being selfish and loving yourself.
5. Take your time, stop rushing to get everywhere (you miss a lot of stuff that way).
6. Money does NOT equal happiness 
7. Act how you want to feel
8. Dessert will ALWAYS, ALWAYS make you feel better :)
9. Things aren't always easy, but you have to take some time, dedication and hard work to get through them.  "THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH"

FUCK BEING POLITE

School 8-11
Internship 11-2
Union Meeting 3-5
Laying in bed doing absolutely nothing at all: To infinity & beyond

I am still super sick. How annoying.

"Her heart finally told her to stop wasting her time."


And you were such a waste of time.


The End

TBT

I'm not sure exactly  what i'm doing, so i'm trying to do it all.   But what I do know is that despite all the crappy stuff going on around me (life) i'm choosing to be H A P P Y this time around.  Because there are too many great things, people and places around me and I am extremely blessed in more ways than one to spend too much time focusing on the things that aren't going right.


JUST BE HAPPY.

I don't miss you anymore.

When will you stop doing things that make you feel like shit?  It's time you learned the lesson already.

Q:  How do you go back, without going backward?
A:  You don't.

Keep it moving baby girl.

Sometimes my bedroom light doesn't seem to shine as bright as it normally does.  I'm not sure if it's on the nights that my vision is a bit blurred or if my bulb is just starting to burn out.  What's the difference?

Life Lesson

Realizing that the person you considered your best friend only wants you around when its convenient is a tough pill to swallow.  At least now you know.  Adjust your life accordingly.

"The world will keep doing the world, I just need to keep doing me."

I can feel it

I can smell the rain in the air.  I can feel the change coming in the breeze.  I just need to be by the sea.  I know I can handle it all when i'm there.

Fact

Everytime I come back to San Diego from spending time in LA, I get sad.  Really sad.

Quote

"By the time he comes around, she'll probably be too happy with who she's becoming to look back....She'd seen so much, and he'd showed so little....And though the thought of entertaining it is appealing at times....The reality is, she's just focused on her now...And with the future looking so bright, everything behind her suddenly seemed so irrelevant.  And she preferred it that way..."- RobHillSr