Growing up in a Catholic household my younger years were sometimes spent attending mass on Sunday anxiously waiting for the part where we would go to get lunch or an ice cream after the service. In 6th grade I spent some reluctant Saturday mornings attending catechism class until my Mom told me that she wasn't going to make me go anymore. Her reason being that eventually I would be old enough and wise enough to decide for myself what exactly it is that I believed in. I still thank my Mom so much for allowing me to be my own person and make my own choices.
The thing is I never stopped believing in God or believing that my Grandpa made it up to heaven. My skepticism has always fallen on the rules, the man made book and the people who don't practice what they preach. And it has also always been in my nature to move away from things people try to force upon me. But I have been very lucky to grow up with people who come from all different religious backgrounds. Some who embody the spirit of love and acceptance and others who embodied everything I hated about religious people. However, I learned a lot from both.
In the past year and a half I found myself seeking Him more and more. In different places, in different spaces with different people and through different people. I believe strongly that there is no right or wrong way or right or wrong religion. I believe strongly that being a person who lives with intention and who tries to be kind, understanding, tolerant and do the right thing each day is an extension of Him. This faith (whatever it may be) that I've stumbled upon has gotten me through some pretty emotional and difficult times throughout the last year. He has had people walk into my life at exactly the right moments and had people walk out when it was time.
All of this comes as a result of events that took place yesterday that deeply affected me. Here I am a day later reflecting on what was said, who was hurt, how we got to this and the question of where to go from here. I know I can't change anyone. I know that. I can only ever be in control of myself, my thoughts and actions. The point in saying all of this is to remind myself more than anyone else that it is during these times when I feel so uncomfortable in the silence with my own thoughts and feelings that I must remember to continue to seek Him (whoever that may be and wherever he may be). I just want to be at peace. I want to be able to forgive and I want to be able to love those who have hurt me.
So, with that being said....here I am drinking a cup of coffee listening to a podcast that promotes all of those things....but if you have any other suggestions let me know! I'm just a beggar in this world tryin' to find some bread.
